The pregnant man

This morning Ben, Roxy & I all exited our rooms at the same time. I said "look at my beautiful kids!" to which Ben responded, making a faux rubbing of a pregnant belly at me: "I thought you meant look at my beautiful children." Then he laughed at me and ran down the stairs.

Ben's swollen finger

This is not Ben, it's just a pic of a swollen finger.
On the way home from school today Ben was complaining about how one of his fingers was swollen. He wasn't sure why, but it was definitely bigger than the other finger. As he was asking me my take on the big finger thing, Roxy pipped in..."Ben, It's just your man finger coming in." Where does she get this stuff.

Look at them kids

I don't have anything to blog about, but out of curtisy for those who view my blog I wanted to post a more visually pleasing picture.

Blue's Poops

Have you ever seen how dogs will sniff around in circles before they do their duty. Blue takes the pre-poop routine to a whole new level. He takes up to 5 min. to find the PERFECT spot. He goes round and round and round. If any one of us made that many circles before we "went about our business" we wouldn't be able to function. I'm really not sure what is so important about one particular spot over another, but Blue knows and he narrows it down to a very specific couple of square inches. Then he does what he must do, flips a 180, kicks a bunch of grass around (I think the grass is suppose to cover the poo, but it comes down in the complete opposite direction. His aim is very bad).  

I have a ton of guilt when 10 sec. later I go over and pick it up in my Wal-Mart sack and discard it. He gives me this look like common' man...I wanted that THERE. I picked THAT spot.  So I look back at him like dude, I'm gonna' keep it for you for a while, I'll just set it here in this container with some of your other projects.

Fun with facial hair

Recently in an effort to keep up with the Gatsby's I grew a beard. My salt and pepper chin dressing was looking great. Then one day Tj started saying that it was getting kinda long. Yesterday she came right out and said it looked UGLY! She also said (and I quote) "at least I try to look attractive for you." WOW! So I woke up this morning and decide to show her just what ugly looks like.It was a bad idea. Now we both miss the beard.

Where are the hunters?

What's the POINT? That's the question I asked myself about the combination of camouflage and hunter orange. I get the importance of camouflage, stealth. And I get the point of day-glow-orange clothing, it's cool man. But put em' together and you got ???an invisible yet highly fashionable hunter that probably wont get shot??? or is it someone that hopes deer are so enamored by his almost non-existent pants that he can't see his 400sq inches of here-I-am orange.

So the other day I was in Wal-mart. (I know, go figure) when I saw a hunter and his son all decked out in here-I- am and where'd-you-go. So I asked the dad what the point was of dressing up in camo only to put on all that orange. He spit his chew on the ground, stuffed his open beer into his back pocket and explained that the camo is for the deer cain't see you and the orange is for the udder folks can. There you go. Mystery solved.

I much prefer TV tag

Blog tag is stupid! Oh boy, somebody tagged me. I guess I'm it. I guess I'll be it forever since my blog legs are too short  and too slow to catch anyone. At least in TV tag there's a way out.

7 things I can do:

Play blog games in order to win virtual popularity

hem pants

crochet

spell crochet

admit that I can crochet

operate a back hoe

operate a back hoe and crochet at the same time

7 things I can not do:

spell well (I can spell the word well just not accurately every time)

read well (again, I can read the word...)

write well (O.K. I have no problem with the word "well")

darn socks

grow hair on the top of my head

grow hair on the bottom of my feet

take blog tag seriously

7 things that attract me to women

spelling skills (not going to do this again)

not yer average barbie look

spunk

she's got to be a blogger

complicated first names

willing to change her last name

social security number starts with 0

7 things i say most often

do you want to make a deal

I'll give you $1,000

I'll let you pop my zits

I'll put the kids to bed

I did the dishes

would you like a back rub

do you mean not right now, or...

7 celebrity admiration's

David Blaine

Barry Manilow

Niel diamond

Marry Lou Retton

Shaggy

Bono

Captain Moroni

7 favorite food

that which comes in dozens 

jelly filled

powder coated

glazed

sprinkled

cream filled

custard filled

I choose not to tag anyone because 1) I don't have 7 blog friends. and b) blog tag is stupid!

Runway Workin' Man

I had a real fashion problem yesterday. I'm not talking about mixing plaid with stripes. I'm talking about how I had to go to school right after work. (I work in construction) Now my pants just looked like I was a workin' man going straight to school...showed some real dedication. But my shirt was just not fit to go into public. I really didn't have time to shower and change and all that blah, blah, blah. So I took off my unfit shirt and put on a clean one. But it was too clean. Then it just looked like I was a slob who didn't care that he had been wearing his pants for the last 3 months. I couldn't put back on my work shirt, and didn't have time to totally change. Finally the heavens smiled on me and out of the corner or my eye I saw a clean, but very faded shirt. Perfect. Crisis averted.

Turtle Soup

This is my turtle. OUR turtle. (Mine and the kids.) I wont mention his name on the Internet for his own safety. I brushed him with Ben's toothbrush so he would look good for his picture. I told him he looked great, but he was still so shy.

We got him from some people that didn't want him who got him from some other people who didn't want him. Ya see, he stinks. I think it's because he's a turtle and turtles poop and pee in their homes. I know, so do we but we use a toilet and flush.

We got a hamster one time from a long chain of people who found him to smell of stale rodent excrement. Turns out he did. So we gave him away to people who thought the could bring the wild into their home without aromatic consequences.

I don't know why we think we can adopt these stinky little beasts. But, if it doesn't work out I don't think we'll give it away because turtles make better soup than hamsters. 

Faulty Speedo

So there I was just driving to school when I noticed that the speedometer in my jeep starts at 5MPH. WHAT?!!! Without even giving any thought to 0-4MPH and how badly their feelings must be heart having been left out. There are some obvious questions. 

Why? Is there some crazy car designer out there that is perfectly willing to make and instrument panel but refuses to work with 0, 1, 2, 3  or 4? Is it the result of some philosophical engineer (which by the way don't really exist) that thought anything under 5MPH cant change the world, so don't even worry about em'

What am I suppose to do? Between 0-5 should I lick my finger, stick it out the window and give it my best guess. "feels like about 3 or 4...no, wait there's a slight breeze I might only be going 2. Holy crap There's no good way to know!!!!! When I'm doin' 20 an I really doin' 15. Should I be trying to make those types of calculations while I'm driving.

Mac-tastic

Well I did it. Those brilliant commercials with the Mac guy and the PC guy got to me & I made the switch.  I love it. See ya never PC! 

United

Myth Busters (and the whole Discovery Chanel for that matter) is as great as it is geeky. I love it! There was a show on last night where the Mythbusters interlaced the pages of two 800 page phone books without glue or tape or any other bonding agent. Then they tested the strength that the paper on paper bonds had. In the end it took the combine pulling power of 2 tanks to pull them apart.

Every once in a while we as humans lace ourselves together, and we cant be torn apart. My blog-friend Sue is helping us to do this in behalf of Nie Nie and her family. She is publishing a book of blogs and donating the proceeds to them and their recovery. Please look for it. Buy it. Lace your pages with this great effort.

Thanks.

A prince among peasant's

I've been criticized for my continual attendance at the local Wal-Mart. I have never really understood the magnetism I feel toward the unholy Mecca of discount goods either.

The other night I told TJ that I was headed off to the land of roll back pricing. She asked if I was going "LIKE THAT"?

Then it clicked. It didn't matter how I looked, what I was wearing, or the way I smelled. I would be a prince among peasant's. I realized then and there that I was using Wali-World (and her unsavory patrons) to help my self feel better about myself.

It works. Try it out. Next time you just feel like crap about yourself Go to the nearest Wal-Mart and enjoy the uplifting atmosphere of the less fortunate and ugly. The fat and unkempt.

You'll never be as ugly as they are. You'll never smell as bad as that lady in spandex.

God made Wal-Mart as an immediate answer to the "please help me with my self esteem" prayer.

Going for the Gold

I love the Olympics. Not like the average person, but like a lonely house wife loves a good Harlequin novel. (or those stupid vampire books.) I find myself watching woman's rowing at 2am. I don't like woman's rowing or 2am. But they get you all hooked in by telling you about the athletes..."yes Bob, and did you know that when she was young she had a strange mix of polio & palsy?"

"Well we may see in a minute, Jim how she's over come all that to become the best the world has to offer in boat full of who-gives-an-ore."

That's enough to suck me in.

What I hate is when they sat the stupid stuff:

*He's going for the gold Bob

Really, really Jim? Are you sure he's not here for 5th or 6th maybe a good summer trip.

*She's going to give it her all!!!!

No Bob, from what I hear she's saving a little for the after metals banquet.

You know what I mean? Please comment back with some of your fav. stupid commentator comments.

WARNING

You know how on a rear view mirror it says "objects may appear closer than they are" or something like that? Why doesn't the other whole in the sink say that there is a pretty good chance that when you turn on the dispos-all it's going to huck a pound and a half of nastiness at you?
This mesage is brought to you by Resent Experience.

How old are you?

Age is a funny little thing isn't it? Relative and exact. I am exactly 31 years old (a couple of months & a few days). But I'm starting collage, thinking of getting a part time job and really pitching in around the house. I'm 18!
When people in the youngest 1/3 of life are years behind we call them retarded. However, those of us in the 2nd 1/3 of life are young at heart. (I like to think.)
That means that when my wife married me 8 years ago...I was 10...SICKO!

I'm Back

O.K. o.k. My fans have spoken, and I must write. I feel like Stephenie Meyer at 3 1/2 books. When I see Random House on the caller I.D. ...I just don't even answer. But then it came, the inspiration that is. I was watching the X Games (the Olympics of extreme sports). Some crazy man on a little boys bike came flying down a 7 story wooden ramp then up a shorter steeper ramp. Which as you can imagine sent him in to the air. 70 feet though the air. During which he took the opportunity to do a back flip. On his bike. In the air. I was amazed. The announcers conveyed disappointment as did the crowd. This semi-suicidal trick is apparently dated. DATED!...IT'S A 70 FOOT BACK FLIP...ON A BIKE! I didn't understand.

Last night I took my kids to a city park where they showed "The Three Amigos" and it suddenly clicked...sometimes the things we thought were great in the past aren't all that great. Sorry Dusty Bottoms.

Fashion Victim

We have all paid too much for clothes because they're cool. Thats o.k. We felt cool. Thats a feeling money can buy. So I say buy it. Your not a victim your cool man, just look at those clothes.

The real victim is not the person who whears the pants, it the one who has to wash them. I have a 7 year old boy. He likes rocks & gum(sometimes not his own). My hands don't fit in size 7 extra mini-mini-pockets.

I almost didn't have time to make this post 'cause I had 2 pair of pants & a pair of shorts to wash.

p.s. I got this pic from a very strange (but safe) blog. http://eh-drian.blogspot.com/

The Walmart King

There are some of us (I guess) that find our happy place inside the beautiful blue and white walls of Wal-mart. Hi my name is Blaine and I'm addicted to very shiny floors and roll-back-prices. Really it's not the prices or the floors. (but they are very shiny) It's the new motion sensitive lights they have in the freezer isles.
So there I was, it was late, I was feeling vulnerable. I took a hard left toward the rocky road & slow churned moose tracks. But with every step I took the freezers lights came on to my left & right. The further I entered the isle the more lights came on. I didn't stop at the rocky road. I passed right by the moose tracks. In fact, by the time I made it to the Popsicles, the whole row was lite up & I was running with my arms stretched over my head like a victorious warrior.
WOW! What a pick-me-up!

The British are comming!!!

I understand the need we have felt for years to have ethnic diversity in adds, T.V. shows and movies. Its good. We always include one of every race, sexual preference & at least 1 person in a wheel chair (maybe a midget).

I for one am glad we do. Living in the heart of northern Utah if it weren't for this media driven diversity I may look like my children do when they see someone who isn't "lilly white". You know, mouth slightly open, head caulked to the side, squinty confused eyes.

What I don't understand is why we can't seem to have a successful reality show without the host or at least one judge having a super thick super posh English accent. We don't owe them anything, & truthfully, most of them seem kinda rude.

Krab Phisher

I don't know for sure why I want to, but I would love to go out on a crab boat & go for it. Maybe it's the adventure or the big buck$. Maybe I have just a touch of small mans complex. (maybe) & yeah I watch deadliest catch. All the time.

If anyone has any leads on how I can get myself on a boat, please let me know.

Don't be cheap!

Please don't give yourself or your guests the ol' single-ply toilet paper. You're better than that. Our bums deserve better than that. Besides, if you do, I'm gonna roll that sub-standard tissue out like streamers in a Chinese parade.

"TAGED"

So...I've been taged.

By my wife none the less.

So...Here I go...

FAV. FOOD
MIDDLE NAME

FAV. PLACE TO BE

FAV. COLOR: COBOLT BLUE

A PLACE I LIKE TO VISIT

MY OCCUPATION

FAV. HOLIDAY

AGE I'LL BE ON MY NEXT BIRTHDAY

Due to my dislike of the game I will not be tagging anyone else. I'll just stay "it". I'ts on me guys...I got it...o.k. guys...ha, ha real funny I'm it...forever.

Please wash hands before returning to life

I wash my hands. You wash your hands. But somewhere theres a dirty fat man with bad aim that doesn't. He grabs the door handle. Then you and I grab the handle. (Not all at the same time, that would be silly.)

When possible, I'm sure that you like I, pull the handle with paper towel. Thus averting the fat man's pee. What happens when we leave the store do we still have the paper towel. NO! Neither did he. We rest our hands on the same checkstand that Dr. PeeBody Fat Fingers did. We push his cart, carry his basket, we check the very same eggs that he checked. I don't like to think this way. I usually just block it out. But the other day I heard a rumor that that the guy that does the frys at your McDonalds shops at Walmart, pushes a cart, carries a basket, pays at a checkstand & eats eggs.

I have it all

Yes, I have it all! In addition to having it all I would really like to try out being rich.

Mac-n-cheese

We buy mac-n-cheese because its cheep & convenient. I agree that its a fairly cost effective way to eat but I want to meet the jerk that designed the box with the little "push here" tab. Push there my eye. David Blaine couldn't open that blue box by pushing there. Why cant they be honest about it. It should read "stab with a sharp knife" or "kick with golf cleats" maybe "set on fire till pasta is available"
Theres a chance I'm being a little dramatic. I'm just in a bad mood after fixing dinner.

Where does all the pee go?

Every child pees the bed. Sometimes adults pee the bed too. (I'm making no admission here.) When this nocturnal free-flow occurs, we take steeps to clean it up. We wash our clothes & our bedding, but what of the gigantic sponge with the FBI protected tags? Well...flip it over...that'll fix it. Let the Pee Fairy take care a'this one.
How many times can you flip a matrice? How long till you tell your children that they have to wash their hands after having a nap?
HI, my name is Blaine, can I interest you in a set of government grade rubber sheets?

This is my dog. His name is Blue. He's not blue. He is mostly gray with a little bit of brown. A tiny bit of brown. Mostly gray. I didn't name him.

Long time talker, first time blogger

How does Hollywood get away with it? I'm not talking about the sex or the language, the violence or drugs. I'm talking about the conflict. Raise your hand if you need just a little more conflict in your life. Have you sat around lately and said "I feel too peacefull. I'm too settled in my heart. I wish I had some outside source that would give me just a little anxiety."

You don't. I don't. I can hardly watch T.V.. When I do I watch the Disney Chanel. I'ts the most non-confrontational feel good for your buck. I highly recomend it. Don't let it bother you that your kids aren't in the room or home or born yet. What ever you do, don't watch the news. It's real, it's hardcore, and it's sponsered by xanax.

Truth is...

James Allen talks alot about truth, he talks a lot about happiness & Dear mr. allen proports that the 2 go hand in hand. for me though the truth doesn't seem very happy sometimes. like now for instance. The TRUTH is that in 15+ years of working i've probubly had 20 or more jobs. My wife is less than satisfied with with her choice to marry me.(or at least how I've turned out.) The truth is... that if you were to ask my son (age 6) what his favorite thing about me is he would say it's that I got him his own cell phone. My doughter (age 4) would say she loves my fat belly because its soft like a pillow. The truth is Im a dreamer, a vertual dollar store of great ideas. I've been givin the abuility to get exceited and to excite others. The sad part is that dreaming often ends with awakening, no ones ever got an exta dollar, and excitment is never enough.
Dispite the pain of truth there is a promiss of truth. The promiss of truth lets me know that its true that God wants me to succeed. That I've been givin things that others havent. Yes the truth can be happiness or pain. I have a hope that God will give me wisdom and bravery to see the truth about myself and keep going anyway. Then when I have used the promiss of truth to overcome the pain of truth I will be truly happy.