Don't be cheap!

Please don't give yourself or your guests the ol' single-ply toilet paper. You're better than that. Our bums deserve better than that. Besides, if you do, I'm gonna roll that sub-standard tissue out like streamers in a Chinese parade.

"TAGED"

So...I've been taged.

By my wife none the less.

So...Here I go...

FAV. FOOD
MIDDLE NAME

FAV. PLACE TO BE

FAV. COLOR: COBOLT BLUE

A PLACE I LIKE TO VISIT

MY OCCUPATION

FAV. HOLIDAY

AGE I'LL BE ON MY NEXT BIRTHDAY

Due to my dislike of the game I will not be tagging anyone else. I'll just stay "it". I'ts on me guys...I got it...o.k. guys...ha, ha real funny I'm it...forever.

Please wash hands before returning to life

I wash my hands. You wash your hands. But somewhere theres a dirty fat man with bad aim that doesn't. He grabs the door handle. Then you and I grab the handle. (Not all at the same time, that would be silly.)

When possible, I'm sure that you like I, pull the handle with paper towel. Thus averting the fat man's pee. What happens when we leave the store do we still have the paper towel. NO! Neither did he. We rest our hands on the same checkstand that Dr. PeeBody Fat Fingers did. We push his cart, carry his basket, we check the very same eggs that he checked. I don't like to think this way. I usually just block it out. But the other day I heard a rumor that that the guy that does the frys at your McDonalds shops at Walmart, pushes a cart, carries a basket, pays at a checkstand & eats eggs.

I have it all

Yes, I have it all! In addition to having it all I would really like to try out being rich.

Mac-n-cheese

We buy mac-n-cheese because its cheep & convenient. I agree that its a fairly cost effective way to eat but I want to meet the jerk that designed the box with the little "push here" tab. Push there my eye. David Blaine couldn't open that blue box by pushing there. Why cant they be honest about it. It should read "stab with a sharp knife" or "kick with golf cleats" maybe "set on fire till pasta is available"
Theres a chance I'm being a little dramatic. I'm just in a bad mood after fixing dinner.

Where does all the pee go?

Every child pees the bed. Sometimes adults pee the bed too. (I'm making no admission here.) When this nocturnal free-flow occurs, we take steeps to clean it up. We wash our clothes & our bedding, but what of the gigantic sponge with the FBI protected tags? Well...flip it over...that'll fix it. Let the Pee Fairy take care a'this one.
How many times can you flip a matrice? How long till you tell your children that they have to wash their hands after having a nap?
HI, my name is Blaine, can I interest you in a set of government grade rubber sheets?

This is my dog. His name is Blue. He's not blue. He is mostly gray with a little bit of brown. A tiny bit of brown. Mostly gray. I didn't name him.